


Project Romcom Sabotage

by rezi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Karkat writing a romcom, and the others finding this absolutely hilarious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-21 00:27:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/893664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave discovers something Karkat's been doing to pass the time on the three year meteor trip.<br/>Naturally, he and the others have to add their own little <em>contributions</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Project Romcom Sabotage

**Author's Note:**

> Probably not literary genius, this: it's the product of an idea I had and wrote up way past midnight, based loosely around [this post](http://meteorshenanigans.tumblr.com/post/54575119954/totalspiffage-robin-reborn-what-if-karkat) on [this fantastic blog](http://meteorshenanigans.tumblr.com). I cackled my head off writing it. Might have just been sleep deprivation, though. You give the verdict.
> 
> Anyway, I feel obliged to post _something_ , seeing as I haven't done so in weeks -- the next chapter of Starsignstuck is taking me a _really long time_ and I've already managed to lose my work multiple times on another fic in the pipeline. Hope this makes up for it!

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TG: hey rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose???  
TT: Dave?  
TG: rose  
TT: Have you anything to say to me, or do you just plan on repeating my name for the entirety of this conversation?  
TT: Similar to - and I know you'll appreciate the irony of this...  
TT: A broken record?  
TG: yeah but rose  
TG: this is BIG  
TG: like  
TG: fuckin top priority classified information i got here  
TT: Oh?  
TG: yeah  
TG: needs cia protection or some shit  
TG: or the closest we have to the cia on this meteor  
TG: which would be...  
TT: Aside from your musings on this meteor's CIA equivalent,  
TT: Pray tell what this information might be?  
TG: ok  
TG: well  
TG: (drum roll please)  
TG: karkat  
TT: I presumed it would involve him, yes.  
TG: hey let me make my ironically dramatic announcement ok  
TG: karkat  
TG: is writing  
TG: a romcom  
TT: ...  
TT: One second.  
TG: your seconds up now what are we gonna do with this prime cut of ridicule fodder  
TT: I'm sorry, I had to take the time off for raucous laughter.  
TT: These fits of hysterics are rare, but this occasion is deserving of nothing less.  
TT: Well, now I've used up my laughter allowance for the year,  
TT: I propose a strategic edit.  
TG: oh yeah  
TT: Indeed.  
TT: On the sly, so he doesn't notice the changes until the moment of maximum hilarity.  
TT: Where is this document?  
TG: hang on  
\--  turntechGodhead [TG] sent  tentacleTherapist [TT] the file "ROMCOM_DRAFT_1_AAAAAUUUUUUGH.DOC" --

[OPENING. CAMERA SCROLLS DOWN FROM SKY, PAST HIVE, GOES THROUGH OPEN WINDOW WHERE RESIAS IS GETTING OUT OF HER RECUPERACOON. muffled llama song playing in background]

VOICEOVER: RESIAS PYRALS. TIER ONE LUNATIC, NEVER SEEN WITHOUT THAT CRAZY SMILE THAT PRACTICALLY SCREAMS "HEY, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE MET MY KNIFE YET, LET'S MAKE THE TWO OF YOU AQUAINTANCES *RIGHT NOW!!!*" ALSO SOMEHOW THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS. IT WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE JUST DREAMS IF EVERYTHING HAD GONE TO PLAN. SHE FEELS SOMETHING FOR ME, PROBABLY EVEN SHE CAN SEE IT.

[STIRDA COMES IN AND STARTS SAYING SOMETHING INFURIATINGLY COOL WHILE SHE CACKLES LIKE A SUBJUGGLATOR WHO'S HAD TOO MUCH FAYGO. FORTUNATELY, WE CANNOT HEAR THIS BULGE-CURLING INANITY, BECAUSE THE SCENE IS ON MUTE WHILE THE VOICEOVER GUY RAMBLES ON. and also while the bg music changes to caramelldansen and drowns out literally everything he is saying]

V/O: BUT NO! OF COURSE, HERE WE HAVE A SIGHTING OF THE LESSER SPOTTED DOUCHE. IT'S STIRDA FUCKING ADAEVE, BEING SO STOIC AND COOL I THINK MY EYES JUST FROZE OVER. BUT NOT OUT OF COOL. OUT OF SHEER UNADULTERATED GLACIAL CONFUSION AS TO EXACTLY HOW RESIAS CAN STAND THIS INSUFFERABLE PRICK AS A MATESPRIT FOR MORE THAN A NANOSECOND!!!!!! actually no it was out of cool haha what was i thinking this guy owns

[CUT FROM THIS BULLSHIT TO A FULL FACE VIEW OF ARKATA HISTRE wearing reindeer antlers.]

ARKATA: FORGET ALL THAT BULLSHIT. I'M ARKATA HISTRE, AND THIS IS THE STORY OF HOW I KICK THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S POKER FACED ASS AND [GHJKHJKREFD FINISH THIS THING.]

[title shows up in big jpeggy letters: "sbahj the rmocom"]

[HOLY SHIT THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! JUST DELETE THIS WHOLE SWAMP OF SEWAGE AND START AGAIN. nah changed my mind all it needs is more sbahj]

TG: he asked to borrow my laptop and left this up by accident  
TG: how was i meant to resist  
TT: Oh my.  
TG: oh my alright  
TG: you can see i beat you to the punch  
TG: with my amazing precognitive skills knowing you were gonna say we edit this shit  
TG: i started it off myself  
TT: Yes, that's fairly obvious.  
TT: Alright, I'll get to work.  
TT: Do I have permission to get others in on this?  
TG: like who  
TT: Like, Kanaya is standing over my shoulder right now and reading through this conversation.  
TT: I Heard Roses Laughter And Felt I Had To Make Further Enquiries  
TT: This Does Seem Like A Potentially Enjoyable Exercise  
TT: May I Partake  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: hold on i hear cackling approaching  
TG: guess this is gonna be a four man project  
TT: Shall we start work, then combine our efforts later?  
TG: yeah sure  
TG: project romcom sabotage is go

[OPENING. CAMERA SCROLLS DOWN FROM SKY, PAST HIVE, GOES THROUGH OPEN WINDOW WHERE RESIAS IS GETTING OUT OF HER RECUPERACOON. muffled llama song playing in background WH4TS 4 LL4M4 SONG  song about a llama WH4TS 4 LL4M4 >:? kinda like a hoofbeast but with big wooly fur OH MY GOOOOOOOD TH4T 1S SOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOL]

VOICEOVER: RESIAS PYRALS. TIER ONE LL4M4, NEVER SEEN WITHOUT THAT CRAZY LL4M4 THAT PRACTICALLY SCREAMS "HEY, I DON'T THINK YOU'VE MET MY LL4M4 YET, LET'S MAKE THE TWO OF YOU AQUAINTANCES *RIGHT NOW!!!*" ALSO SOMEHOW THE LL4M4 OF MY DREAMS. IT WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE JUST DREAMS IF EVERYTHING HAD GONE TO PLAN. SHE FEELS L1K3 4 LL4M4 TO ME, PROBABLY EVEN SHE CAN SEE IT. Every time she looks my way, I swear I can hear the voices of a billion billion angels singing. Their enchantments cloud my common sense, and it takes all my restraint to resist making love to her there and then. Alas, I must resist the all-consuming passion; my fires must be quenched for now. For destiny taunts me with her presence but does not allow me to have her, not yet.

[STIRDA COMES IN AND STARTS SAYING SOMETHING INFURIATINGLY COOL WHILE SHE CACKLES LIKE anyone would while reading sweet bro and hella jeff. unFORTUNATELY, WE CANNOT HEAR THIS H3LL4 4W3SOM3 SH1T!!!!!!!!, BECAUSE THE SCENE IS ON F1R3 WHILE THE VOICEOVER GUY 4CTS L1K3 4 TOT4L MORON, BLUH BLUH and also while the bg music changes to caramelldansen and drowns out literally everything he is saying Rose What Is Caramelldansen An ancient song of Earth, anthem of the weeaboo. What Is A Weeaboo I'll explain later.]

V/O: BUT NO! OF COURSE, HERE WE HAVE A SIGHTING OF THE LESSER SPOTTED DOUCHE. IT'S STIRDA FUCKING ADAEVE, BEING SO STOIC AND COOL I THINK MY EYES JUST FROZE OVER. BUT NOT OUT OF COOL. OUT OF SHEER UNADULTERATED GLACIAL CONFUSION AS TO EXACTLY HOW RESIAS CAN STAND THIS INSUFFERABLE PRICK AS A MATESPRIT FOR MORE THAN A NANOSECOND!!!!!! actually no it was out of cool haha what was i thinking this guy owns Yes And What He Owns Is An Insatiable Desire To Love Me Rather Than This Resias Woman Yet I Am In Constant Denial Of This And Also The Inkling That I Might Actually Love Him Back Which Shall Torment Me For The Entirety Of The Movie Oh Dear I Just Spoilt Half Of The Plot For You What A Shame Now You May Leave Without Missing A Thing kanaya what the fuck I think we should leave that part in. Kanaya? Yes Absolutely ok whatever H3H3H3H3H3H3 1 C4NT W41T TO SM3LL H1S F4C3 WH1L3 R34D1NG TH1S!!!!

[CUT FROM THIS BULLSHIT TO A FULL FACE VIEW OF ARKATA HISTRE wearing reindeer antlers. Is That What A Weeaboo Is Not exactly.]

ARKATA: FORGET ALL THAT BULLSHIT. I'M P1NG PONG dunkass DOUCH3 RUMPUS R1D3R B4RFY, AND THIS IS THE STORY OF HOW I Realise That My Heart Ached For Stirda Adaeve All Along And Then Proceed To Have All Of The Sloppy Makeouts With Him And By That I Do Mean A Literally Inexhaustible Amount [GHJKHJKREFD FINISH THIS THING by reading it out to literally everyone else on the meteor hey isnt that a good idea i think you should do that.]

[title shows up in big jpeggy letters: "sbahj the rmocom" NO 1T C4NT B3 TH4T why not B3C4US3 4LL TROLL MOV13 T1TL3S SHORT3R TH4N 100 CH4R4CT3RS H4V3 B33N US3D 4LR34DY!!!! so what youre saying is there has literally been a movie on alternia called sbahj the rmocom Y3S i fucking love alternia H4NG ON 1LL WR1T3 4 T1TL3 FOR TH1S no wait i got one hold up]

[title shows up in big jpeggy letters: "heres a llama theres a llama and another little llama fuzzy llama funny llama llama llama duck llama llama cheesecake llama tablet brick potato llama llama llama mushroom llama llama llama duck i was once a tree house i lived in a cake but i never saw the way the orange slayed the rake i was only three years dead but it told a tale and now listen little child to the safety rail" OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD Y3S >8D YOU KNOW TH3 WHOL3 LL4M4 SONG???? learnt it for ironic purposes SOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!]

[HOLY SHIT THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! JUST DELETE THIS WHOLE SWAMP OF SEWAGE AND START AGAIN. nah changed my mind all it needs is more sbahj 4ND LL4M4S And The Secret Burning Desire Arkata Has For Adaeve And the voices of a billion billion angels all chorusing in unison at every single moment in the story, just to give it that extra push of dramatic effect. 4H4H4H4H4H4444 TH1S 1S P3RF3CT >8D]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
TG: hey  
CG: WHAT IS IT NOOKSTAIN.  
TG: got something for you  
CG: HUH?  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent carcinoGeneticist [CG] the file "for_karkat.doc" --  
CG: YOU WANT ME TO READ THIS?  
TG: thatd be cool yeah  
CG: I MIGHT DO WHEN TEREZI STOPS LITERALLY HANGING OVER THE FRONT OF MY CRABPUTER!!!  
TG: oh my god she is actually doing it  
CG: DOING WHAT?????????  
TG: dont worry  
TG: just read the file  
CG: OKAY, FINE!  
CG: HOLY SHIT.  
CG: IS THIS MY ROMCOM????????  
CG: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO IT  
CG: OH  
CG: OH *HELL* NO  
CG: WHAT  
CG: THE ACTUAL FUCK  
CG: HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE  
CG: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
CG: TEREZI, FUCK!!!!!  
CG: OH MY GOD YOUR F444444C3 >8D  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG]


End file.
